My adorable charge.
Recently I’ve noticed myself classifying people into either dogs or cats. I don’t mean “dog people” or “cat people” — it’s not about preference, it’s disposition. For instance: I am clearly a cat. Robert Downey Jr — cat. Will Ferrell — dog. That lady comic that Oprah loves but we all hate — dog. What’s her name? Ali something? Whatever. You get what I’m saying. Cats are clever and reserved, dogs are energetic and optimistic. I haven’t worked the idea out into a whole book yet (but I should right? Chicks would buy that junk.) So far it’s mostly instinct and judgmental tendencies (such a cat!)
It’s not just people, either — it’s cities. New York is a cat, LA is a dog. New York sits inside looking out the window and down at the world, LA runs up to strangers and sticks it’s face in their crotch. New York sleeps all day and stays up all night, LA is really bummed when it doesn’t get to play frisbee bright and early. People tend to think New York is so cold and standoffish, and they think LA is just stupid.
Or maybe it just feels this way to me since I left my cat in New York and came to LA to dogsit for my first few weeks of transitioning out here. I have been spending more time with this dog than with humans. She’s a good time, and pretty adorable and brilliant as far as dogs go. I mean, she doesn’t know dick about math, but in 4 days I have taught her to dance on command (and that if she steals my underwear I will chase her, which she enjoys.) It’s relative, I guess.
We also spend a lot of time with other dogs, many of whom are hilarious. I met a poodle at the dogpark that screams like a human child if someone tries to take her ball. That was a good time. There was also an old deaf basset hound who hates balls and other dogs, but loves being chased by humans. She was pretty pushy with me, which was ridiculous. I mean, I’m not trying to brag, but if there was ever a dog I could easily catch on foot, it’s an old deaf basset hound.
The people here love dogs, too. At a party the other day I was talking to a man who seemed vaguely disappointed with me and decidely distracted, until I mentioned that I was dogsitting. He lit up! It was like I took my boobs out — suddenly we could have a real conversation. In fact, I’d say 70% of the conversations I have had or sneakily overheard (such a cat!) in the past week have been about dogs.
Maybe the alternative topics are too grim: “So how are you?” “Me? Well, I’m 40 and still doing PA work on porn shoots so I can pay off my jeep. Kind of want to tear my skin off, so I try to stay high all the time. Did you know that chicks aren’t really into jeeps anymore?”
Yeesh, right? So let’s go with: “So how’s your dog?” “Jesse? Great! I taught him to fetch and got him a t-shirt that says ‘Bad To The Bone’. Man he loves my jeep!”
Much better.
ALI WENTWORTH! That’s it! Ugh, we all hate her. Meow.
