Charlie Sheen — The Untold Story

“I am on a drug, it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once you will die, your face will melt off.”

Drugs are no joke. Life is a joke, funny puns that puppets say are jokes, some riddles are jokes, but drugs are not. I know that, because I am the goblin king of both. I do a TON of drugs, and a SHITLOAD of jokes. Ask Sean Penn – he’ll tell you. So when I say Charlie Sheen is a drug, I’m not making a joke — I’m making a point. It’s a metaphor. DUH. I mean, yes, I have invented many drugs – Blasters, Spice, Squeezies (that’s just Nyquil and formaldehyde that I shake up in a shampoo bottle.) But “Charlie Sheen” is warlock poetry code for life.

Charlie Sheen is a dare you make with yourself.  Are you going to live your life regular, or are you going to WIN? If you said win, you’re already winning. You’re already experimenting with Charlie Sheen. But be careful, because you’re going to get hooked, and you need more and more win in your system.

Once you’re a Charlie Sheen addict, you choose winning every time you’re at bat. What do you want to do today? Jetski – winning. What do you want for breakfast? Pancakes - winning. Hey, should I watch TV in my underpants or go star in a movie? Movie – winning. What would happen if I smoked this glade plug-in? You would win.

Can you imagine living your life like that for a day, then just giving it up? Going back to work, ringing people up at Hammacher Shlemmer or whatever? Good luck! You’d have the shakes by 10am, because you’d be going through major Charlie Sheen withdrawl – and not the kind that you can fix with a Major League DVD.  By noon, you’d be dead. It’s that serious.

Charlie Sheen is dangerous stuff, you can’t just play around with it. Once you set foot on the ride you better keep your hands inside the car and be ready to swing at the pitch, until the sun goes down and the freaks come out. Skeleton party. Skeletons dance around at night. WINNING. You can’t do Charlie Sheen once – you’ve got to be an addict, and I am! I am addicted to Charlie Sheen (and Squeezies.)

“I have Tiger’s Blood and Adonis DNA.”

When I say I have Tiger’s Blood, I don’t mean something stupid like I eat tigers, or I carry around a vial of actual tiger blood, like Angelina Jolie (Angelina BLOWme). No, bro, be real — that is ridiculous. What I mean is I was given the spirit of a tiger, because I talk to animals. Not like dolphins and gay animals – just cool badass animals like tigers and dragons. It’s always been that way, and I never knew why for years and years. Even a dog will see me and be like “Oh shit – it’s Charlie Fucking Sheen! That dude gets me.” He’ll just stare into my eyes, and we’re locked. LOCKED, man. Just staring at each other. I could stare into a dog’s eyes for like, an hour.  Because we’re not just staring, we’re communing, we’re talking, we’re like arrows into the sun, you know? Like a falcon. Me and this dog are like a falcon.

Anyway, that happened with a tiger one time when I was buying crack behind a circus. I was in high school and my buddies had dared me to try crack and we had heard there was this clown who was holding. So I’m waiting around behind this tent in Santa Monica, and I notice there’s this HUGE gnarly tiger just staring at me. Not staring like, “duhhh, I’m an idiot dumb tiger”; he was looking at me like, “hey kid, I know you. You’re part of me, we’re the same.” It was like we fucking danced with our eyeballs, and suddenly I could just hear him talking inside my mind.

So this tiger, he tells me I’m special. He says that I’m chosen to lead the way and unite humans and animals in an epic battle to save the earth. He was talking all this crazy shit about honor and righteousness, and “most important task ever bestowed upon man blah blah blah.” I’m telling you, this tiger practicaaly CRYING. Like, whoah, whoah, whoah, don’t be a pussy, tiger. So I was like “hold up, hold up – do I get weapons?” Because, come on – how radical would it be to have like a tiger-bone cross bow or something? But this tiger goes “your weapons are your Adonis DNA and Tiger’s Blood. The powers of love, and indestructibility.”

Let me repeat: love, and indestructibility.

Love.

Indestructibility.

So basically, this tiger tells me I can’t die and I can fuck any chick in the bag. Ok, but I’m supposed to use that to free the kitty cats and play Earth Day?

DUHHHHH.

NO.

That’s like someone saying “here are the keys to my Ferrari, but only drive it to church” – which also happened to me once. Instead I picked up 4 hookers – one of each kind -  and drove to Mexico, where I crashed it into a boat. THAT’S WHAT FERRARIS ARE FOR.

So, I use my powers for ME, and I haven’t regretted a second of it. Good luck, animals! Maybe you guys should start working on those tiger-bone crossbows, instead of sitting in the sun and licking your assholes all the time. HAHAHAHA LOL.

I shot Kelly Preston.

“Tattoo #1 – Charlie Brown”

I have a bunch of tattoos, because they are radical and dangerous like smoking and not wearing band-aids. If someone ever tried to stop me from getting tattoos I’d grab his wrist and flip him over my back and stand on his chest and be like “WHAT NOW, MOTHERFUCKER?” I’m always going to get tattoos.

Each one of my tattoos has a special meaning or “story” behind it. For instance, on my chest I have a tattoo of Charlie Brown, and he’s thinking “Mom?”. You can literally tell that he’s thinking that, there is a thought bubble above his head and that word, “Mom?” is in it.

That tattoo is about me getting my first tattoo. I’m named Charlie, just like Charlie Brown. Duh. We have different last names, but so do a lot of people with the same name. So he represents me. When I went to get my first tattoo, I was like “what should I get?” I looked around the shop at the different designs, but then I started thinking about how those are designs that everyone gets. Nothing about me is like anyone else in this galaxy – why would I permanently tattoo my body with a copy of someone else’s tattoo???????? I mean, what, am I just going to get the same tattoo as everyone else? Just get a tattoo that says “mom”, like a million other people?

BOOM – interstellar explosion of inspiration!

I want to tattoo this moment: me, thinking of the tattoo that I don’t want to get. But instead of my face, lets make it Ziggy, because he’s hilarious. When I tried to draw Ziggy, though, it came out really weird. Then I decided I hate Ziggy and changed it to Charlie Brown because of the name thing, and I have a lot of practice drawing him.
All we have is right now. This moment. So let’s tattoo each one we get.