Dear Lindsay Lohan,
First of all, I’m sorry it’s been so long since I wrote you a letter! I have been super busy for the last two years — but I don’t need to tell you about super busy! You know all about busy-ness, you’re a busy-ness woman! Ha-ha! JK! You Go Girl!
For realsies, though. I saw all those pictures of you and your broken arm. Owie! You know what’s worse than a broken wrist? Having no arm below your elbow. Yikes! I’m getting ahead of myself! Let me start over, LiLo.
The message board on your fansite, LocationLohan.com, has 7,937 members. Your official site, LLRocks.com has had 14,537,181 views — oops! 14,537,202… 14,537,241.… They just keep coming! And you haven’t even updated your journal there in 3 years! If you search “Lindsay Lohan” in google, it returns “about 20,300,000″ sites (but I’m sure you know that.) You’ve sure got a whole lot of people interested in what you say and do.
So, like, what DO you do? Well, according to Lohangroupie.com, in the last week you’ve had lunch on Melrose, been clubbing at Shag, and made appearances at the Stuff Awards and the Marie Antoinette after party (OMG! How much fun was that?? I <3 Sophie Copie!) LindsayBlog.com says you’re also dealing with your breakup (or not??) with Harry Morton, and with finally moving out of Chateau Marmont.
As far as what you’re saying, of course the breakup is on your mind. According to PerezHilton.com you said to Paris’ ex, Niarchos Stavros, “No one can know I got dumped [by Harry Morton] . . You will look like a total stud, and it will drive Paris crazy [if we hang out together]” –then you made out with him all night. That’s hot. Perez also reports that you told some photographers to “fuck off and die”. There’s even a video of it! I understand, though — last time I got dumped I didn’t want anyone taking my picture, either. My mom & dad were all “Come on! It’s Christmas!” and I was like “Fuck off and Die! I didn’t even ask for this toaster oven. No pictures. I LOOK FAT! I’m so alone.”
Um, so that’s what all those 7,937 members, 14,537,692 viewers, and 20,300,000 related sites are reading, writing, and talking about. You know we’re at war, right? Like, a really really stupid war. TONS of people are dying and being horribly wounded — like wounded where you don’t ever get better. This war has the highest number of brain injuries ever reported in a war. All the people with those brain injuries and amputations come home and never live the same life ever again. And what for? Uh…no one seems quite sure about that. We’ve heard it has something to do with terrorism, but with all the bombing and torturing we’re doing it sure seems like we’re giving people a lot more reasons to become terrorists than to stop them. And it’s going on, and on, and on — and here at home we’ve sort of…forgotten about it.
Remember in Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen, when Ella said:
“You can’t — do this, Lola, everyone is depending on you, whaddabout, your parents and Sam, Sam has never been to a school function in his life, he’s only going because of you! And what about me? I was miserable until you came to Dellwood. I thought everyone’s life was like mine, just doing everything you’re supposed to do when you’re supposed to do it, never questioning anything. Ugh, the only thing I could expect when I grew up was a life like my parents’ and then… I met you.”
Well, LiLo — you are a lot like your character, Lola. You inspire thousands of people. And right now you are inspiring them to act like spoiled assholes — to fuck around creating personal dramas and spending money like water. You inspire people to strive for intellectual mediocrity — ooops! I mean “to be kind of dumb”.
Well, here’s something else you can do! Maybe you could tell people that war is bad — ’cause it is, right? Or more specifically that THIS war is terrible and embarrassing for our country, and has gone on too long. Oooh, or you could tell people that control of our country is slowly slipping away because we’re all too scared and overwhelmed to pay any attention! That we can’t deal with the real news, so instead we pay attention to entertainment news — the stuff about you!
Wait a minute! USA Today says you want to go vist the troops! You’re doing it! Why?
Lohan, whose screen credits include Freaky Friday,Mean Girls and the upcoming Georgia Rule, says she hoped to emulate Marilyn Monroe, who performed shows for about 100,000 troops stationed in Korea in 1954.
“It’s so amazing seeing that one woman just going somewhere, this beautiful sex kitten, who’s basically a pinup, which is what I’ve always aspired to be,” Lohan tells Elle magazine.
No! No, no, no, no, no — you dumb bitch! This is not about you being Marilyn Monroe! How about you not visit the troops — how about you visit the VA hostpitals? Or the families who have lost children there? How about you invite the media to come with you and go visit the graves of the soldiers who gave their lives for this “cause”? HOW ABOUT YOU USE YOUR VOICE? No one cares about this war beacuse YOU don’t care about it. As sad and stupid as that is, it’s true. The Vietnam War ended because people CARED about it. Because celebrites showed up at ant-war rallies, not perfume promotional tours. Because people like John Lennon and Bob Dylan (the name on your shirt? He was a real person!) inspired people to take a stand and use their voice to make a difference.
Listen, Lindsay — I can tell from the drugs you’ve chosen to abuse that you’re really bored. Well, stop being so BORING and do something worthwhile. Take a chance.
If you don’t Paris Hilton will just do it first, and then you’ll really look like an asshole.
Yours Truly,
LiSkins
p.s. You’re too tan. It looks like you’re dirty — not in a good way.
I love it when you get political. Makes me even more proud.
I love it when you get political.
Loved this article !
Lindsay Lohan’s not famous in my country, but we all remember Britney Spears in “Fahrenheit 9/11″ by Michael Moore, saying that she “trusted our President”…
How dare these stupid girls having such comments? Unfortunately their bearing on teenagers is huge… :-S
It frightens me that you can quote this chick’s movies verbatim, hon.…..scary, scary.…..
Emily,
I write these things on a computer that is connected to the internet. Google, hon…google.…
While I am not a liberal, I did vote for Obama and I sincerely hope that he turns around and does what is best for the country and the majority of it’s citizens. Moore is right about Obama using what he has while he has it. The Republicans have found a common enemy for themselves and a good portion of the whites in America, and that enemy is Obama. They couch it in several terms, but it all boils down to racism. I never thought I’d live to see white Americans revert to racial attitudes that I thought were dead, but we can’t deny what has happened. I remember my Dad and uncles changing partys back in the 60s because of the Civil Rights Act, and I remember why. It’s the “southern stratagy” all over again, but this time on a national scale. It makes me sick to hear people who I thought were open-minded Christians say the things they say. It makes me ashamed to be considered one of them.
I love your site, your wit and intelligence made this a pleasurable unexpected find. As a soldier i appreciate your concern for my wounded brothers and sisters. Before you jump on the wagon of “the is no reason for any if this, lets end it all right now” ask some of the soldiers what they thought their impact was on Iraq or Afghanistan, many of them think we are doing a lot of good over there and are very proud of it, and that if we leave, it will be just like what happened to the South Vietnamese and the Montagnards or the Kurds. Personally i think going after Iraq was a mistake and a waste of money, but we had to go to Afghanistan. Anyway, fantastic site, i apparently was a fan already ( i did not know you did work for College Humor), youre a really funny and refreshing person keep it up.