A while back I was performing at a stand up show where one of the other comics decided to forgo his set and instead just list the women in comedy that he has thought about while beating off. (Which, at a “downtown comedy” show is really just about the same thing. ) He included me on his list, and afterwards people approached me expecting me to be shocked or upset. But honestly, my reaction was: of course. I assume everyone has jerked off thinking about me. Especially dudes.
But I also assume everyone has jerked off thinking about just about everyone they know, along with any particularly alluring houseplants, jelly jars, or balloon bouquets. We’re not talking about what people have actually DONE — we’re talking what they THINK about. Who cares?
Plus, novelty is an intrinsic part of sexuality, and the older you are the more shit you’ve gotten bored with. At a certain point you start testing things out — pretty girls that you like don’t do it anymore… what about ugly dudes you hate? Does that work? Nope? Ok, how about gym teachers and packing peanuts? Human sexuality is weird — there are people who have sex with bridges for gods’ sake. There are only so many times that Angelina Jolie in a Macy’s changing room can crank it up for you, eventually you’re stuck with Joy Behar trying to sell you a garden hose. I’m not saying where I fall on that spectrum, I just know I’m on it — as is everyone.
P.S.
Sorry, parents. I will write about something nicer next time. Like spoons or giraffes. But honestly, someone has spanked it to that, too.
When I was a kid my jerkoffs were like slot machines.
Exactly, Chris. Exactly.
Damn! Someone has been reading my diary.
Good point but still wondering if the set was actually funny?
I just hope I am still doing it when I am in my 90’s in some residential home to the embarrassment of my fellow inmates and family. Bashing the bishop to fantasies of a three-some with Patty & Selma Bouvier. Indeed, from a teenage frenzy to Agnetha Fälstkog from Abba to Eliza Skinner after a number of years of honed and skilled practise to Simpson characters when you can’t get up to turn the TV channel over, but still want to get up…it’s evolution and somewhat happily inevitable!
I can’t promise that you were never in the Rolodex, Eliza. We’ve known each other too long. But I have no memory of it now, and I think we’re both good with that.
I appreciate your enlightened view on sex. But… people in love with bridges… that kinda ruined sex for me tonight.
And a world where Angelina Jolie in a Macy’s Changing room doesn’t do it for me, but Joy Behar selling me a water hose does… I don’t want to live in that world.
I used to think about hot women all the time. Like when I was 16, that’s all I thought about. Hot women. Now I do it and I’m thinking damn I gotta do laundry today and it’s nowhere near as fun. In a way I jerk it to my shower at my parent’s house cause baby, we had good times together.