Sad.

Me & Bobby Moynihan re-enacting the Dirty Dancing routine at the UCB years ago.

I never considered myself a hardcore fan. I have only been an official member of one fan club in my life - The E.T. Fanclub. I have waited in line for an autograph exactly once — Bruce Campbell, and that was really just to give to a friend. So usually when celebrities die I am pretty removed. I think that it must be sad for the people who knew them, and I reflect on how it will change the media, and I think that the people piling flowers outside of whatever are crazy.

Then, Michael Jackson died and it felt like a punch in the gut. Now Patrick Swayze, surprisingly, hurts almost as bad.

Patrick Swayze’s death was not a surprise. But still, every time there was a headline mentioning his deterioration I’d squint my eyes and think “please not yet.” I have loved him and his work long enough for him to have crept into my brain and formed a part of my psyche. Like Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze is honestly a part of who I am as a performer, and my identity as a performer is most of who I am. He was a kind, driven, creative man. A manly man, who could dance just as well as he could tear apart a roadhouse. He had enough of a sense of humor to do Donnie Darko, and enough commitment to drama to pull off Ghost. Was he cheesey? Yes, he was synonymous with cheesiness, but in the best possible way — a way that he embraced until everyone in the audience had to also. I can only hope that I live as balanced, cheesey, and inspiring a life as he did.

So, this year sucks.

I think the celebrities that it hurts me to lose are the ones who open up some new world, who show me things I’ve never thought or felt before. Things I want to be. Please - Pat Benatar, Michael J. Fox, Prince, Burnadette Peters, Ben Vereen, William Golding, Steven Spielberg, and all the other performers and creators that have changed me - take your vitamins, do some yoga & write some books.