Over hamburgers and beers, my friend, Firedove Rockhammer*, was telling me about a recent heartbreak. “So FINALLY, he kissed me on the street and then pulled back and said ‘Hi’! Then I punched him in the arm and said ‘that’s dumb’. Then he never called me! I thought he liked me! WHAT HAPPENED??”
When she said that I laughed at her. I felt bad, because Firedove is my friend and is sad about this, but come on. “You punched him in the arm? You called him dumb! Why would he think you like him?” I asked.
“Well, but I was flirting.“
“If I threw this plate at you and told you I was being friendly, would you want to eat with me again? Don’t be a douchebag.”
“Fuck you, cumsack.”
(We are friends.)
A few days later, I realized I was just as bad as her when I walked into a bar with a guy I was dating and hilariously asked him — in front of a bunch of his friends — if he had picked the bar we were at because it was “totally gay, like you.” (Moments later he was singing “It’s Raining Men” on a stage, surrounded by actual gay men loudly suggesting he take off his shirt — SO I HAD A POINT, but still.) Har har, you are GAY, guy who likes me! Also, fuck you!
Snip. Snip. Plop, plop. Balls on the floor.
Ladies like me & Firedove walk around like pretty Godzillas — crushing cities and nutsacks in our attempts to attract boys and avoid intimacy. We’re used to being aggressive and guarded in our professional lives, so by default we do the same thing in social settings. Ass-grabbing and jokes, I can roll with, but scoobley-doobley emotional stuff? Not so much. I might wear ribbons and polka dots, but I also google search “visible farts” and avoid commitment.
But I don’t mean to, I don’t WANT to feel like a monster — maybe a pretty magical pony or an awesome kick-ass tiger, but not a monster. I suppose I could try being nicer, and maybe stop suggesting arm-wrestling matches or bloody-knuckles contests quite so much. But who would I be if I wasn’t hilarious? It’s hilarious to call someone a “retard” when they ask you to dance, right? That’s funny? Or is it just…mean?
Really, I blame this woman:
*name changed to a cooler one
Originally posted 9/17/2008
Very insightful.
I’m very much like you in this regard, but instead of crushing nutsacks, I… Hmm. There’s really no good way to finish that sentence.
But yes, I enjoyed this.
uggggh i do that all the time. i don’t mean to… well, mostly. sometimes i absolutely do mean to because they deserved it for being a pompus ass and/or grabbing my ass. and and… well boys should learn to fucking deal with it and not be so damn sensitive all the time! STOMP STOMP FLAME CASTING DOUBT ON YOUR INTELLIGENCE AND/OR MASCULINITY!!
also, i have a recently flourishing theory about boys and how much their masculinity is threatened by funny women.
In general, any boy who will walk int a gay bar and start singing “It’s Raining Men” at karaoke, will probably be able to take the occasional nut stomp/intimacy avoidance comment. Chance are he’ll just grin and think, “Go ahead. You’re the one who’s here with me.” Those types of boys then to have buckets of patience and can wait for the nut stomper to tire themselves out. Once Godzilla has crush 80% of Tokyo, she usually end up cuddling with Gamera, finally secure and confident that he won’t just take off the first time Mothra walks by.
BTW, I am starting a series of kaiju Harilquin romance novels.
You have my permission to blame me… publicly, even…
It’s my mother’s fault.
Katey is right — I don’t know what guys you’re meeting, but every once in a while I’ll go out with a girl who launches “hilarious” insults at me. I’ll play nice, laugh it off, then end it in the car as I’m driving her home.
Really, life is too short to have to out up with being berated constantly (I think we all get enough of that shit at work!).
It’s a balance issue. Every guy wants a girl who can joke around like one of the guys, just not when the guys aren’t around. I would guess most ladies like a guy who can be sensitive, but she won’t want him acting like a pussy around her friends.
Plus, for the record, only straight guys can call other straight guys gay as a joke just as there are certain words which I am sure would upset my wife if I used them in public, but around the house it’s fine as long as it’s not mean spirited.
This doesn’t mean comics and video games are taboo subjects. Nothing sexier than a girl who can geek it up with you and impress your friends with some serious nerd lore.
Any performances this weekend? I’ll actually be in New York for a few days.
What I don’t get is why guys (or particularly, funny guys) seem to think it’s okay to do this you a girl, but then not be okay with it when you (as the funny, awesome, “I can take a joke” girl) lob one back at them.
Maybe your friend is stronger than she thinks and punched him so hard he lost the use of his manhood. Just sayin is all.
I see this kind of thing happen all the time. Speaking from the guy standpoint of that, it usually catches us a bit off guard, and it makes it seem like you girls will think of us more as another friend and it makes us think that you want us to think of you as if you were just one of the guys.
Unless you do something like this with a guy who’s really persistent, or a guy who knows you well enough that you flirt back that way it can easily scare us away from trying a relationship. That’s just the way I see it. It seems to stem from a bit of lack of self confidence on both sides.
Charlie -
Sorry! No shows this weekend. I’m actually taking a weekend off for once! Except for the teaching…always with the teaching.…
I love a girl who can joke around, but if i just started dateing them like DS said it sort of puts me on the fence if I’m in the friend zone or not.
Wow you really suck!
j/k! lol, stfu!
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In response to Jarrod:: Cave in vaginas… or asses. Whichever you’re into.
So what if I’m two years late? I just got here. Fuck you, I walked.