I love how there are TVs everywhere now — in elevators, taxis, urinals (ok, but we are minutes away from this at most.) For me this is basically the same as if the city started tossing syringes full of heroin throughout the streets. Anywhoozles, I was just in the elevator staring at the TV, glassy-eyed and possibly drooling, when it told me that this is the 25th Anniversary of Cabbage Patch Kids. I was instantly gripped with the same terror I used to experience when I’d realize it had been weeks since I fed the gerbil I kept in a cage on the back porch (don’t worry, it wasn’t cold and my mom always fed it when I forgot.)
In about a second this thought actually ran through my head: “Holy shit — 25 years. I haven’t seen those kids in YEARS. Phyllis Halona must be 25 by now! And Liza Marie is probably in college — shit, I hope she’s in college. I completely abandoned them. Ohhh god I’m a terrible mother. Fuck, I don’t even remember the boy’s name. I hope he didn’t get mixed up in meth or something, but honestly, he probably did. I wonder if he ever grew hair. He must have right?…”
Then I remember that they were dolls and calmed down a little. But seriously, I am still a little panicked about it. The Cabbage Patch people went to great lengths to convince you that you were undertaking a real responsibility by adopting a cabbage patch kid! When I got Phyllis I had to take a public oath to love her and take care of her in a little ceremony at Miller & Rhodes department store. And now, 25 years later, the gravity of that oath is still seared into my brain. Kids don’t deserve that kind of pressure!!
That’s it — if I ever have kids I’m not letting them even name their toys. No personification and no attachment. They will only be allowed to play with flowers and wooden cubes that we will identify by number. More importantly, if I ever have kids somebody better check the back porch once a week.
A) I forgot about taking the oath!
B) Phyllis Halona!!! Awesome. I was always in awe of the names that were given in the old cabbage patch. I was mother to Alfie Jan (boy), Aggie Candy (girl), and Rory Florida (preemie).
C) I also had a Furskin. Who the eff named this shit?
It’s okay, Mom. I’m doing pretty well. I’m working at a Sonic in Heath, Ohio. If you ever wanna catch up, I’ll buy you a Ultimate Cheesy Breakfast Burrito.
My little dear was Ronnie Bette — I’m glad I didn’t have to take the oath in front of the old blue hairs at Miller & Rhodes. I may as well have taken it at my grandma’s church.
Oh God! Phyllis, you poor loser! It’s my fault!!
i had a brown one with cat ears. i swear. i think it was supposed to be a werewolf. or a wookie.
!! i found it! it was a cabbage patch kid ‘koosa’, check it out! http://i3.iofferphoto.com/img/item/198/673/72/1.jpg
This is where we are different. I can’t wait to tattoo my name on my child’s ass.
Mary Elizabeth lives in my parents attic, its creepy…but not unpredictable.
“Mary Elizabeth”? That’s the most fake-ass cabbage patch kid name I’ve ever heard!
Wow. I’m going to have to shut down comments again if you two can’t keep it cool!
Liz. You make fun of my kin, you make fun of me.
You an Phyllis Balogna better watch your back!
O.k. O.k. Calm down. Phyllis H and Liza are safe– sorta smushed into a plastic bag, but safe. The boy… well… I’m not sure about the boy. He’s still here, but he looks tired. I think he got left out on the porch too long, and 25 years of rain, snow, and stray cats takes a toll.
hey eliza, did i ever tell you my friend’s dad invented cabbage patch? crazy. they’re bazillionaires, and super nice .
Ulysses Cairo. Short curly blonde hair.. blue eyes.. such a lovely baby. He never sassed back, never caused me any stress. Oh Ulysses, how much I took your companionship for granted!
Hey! He sorta looked like the posted doll, without the mulletesque pigtails though.