Monsters — directors cut.

Here is my version of my Monsters article from Cracked.com, minus the changes and photos they added. Please note — I am not writing about the director’s intended metaphor, but the instinctual fears these monsters play upon.

Horror movies are windows into society’s deepest fears. By examining the movie monsters that fascinate us the most, we reveal the real anxieties that scare us the most. I am qualified to do this because I have a BA in Media Studies and a blog, so, you know, I’m pretty much an expert in whatever I want. So let’s see what you’re REALLY afraid of when you’re afraid of…

Zombies — People. At first glance, modern zombie movies seem to be about a fear of disease — most of them feature the “infected” type of zombies, not the “crawled out of a grave to dance with Michael Jackson” type. But the really threatening thing about zombies isn’t their crazy diseased eyeballs, it’s their sheer numbers. Likewise, any scientist will tell you our biggest problem isn’t Bird Flu — it’s overpopulation. Humans — especially stupid humans — are making way too many babies, and it’s starting to get crowded in here. Instead of a desolate wasteland, the Apocalypse will look like the day after Thanksgiving at the mall. Which is exactly what most zombie movies look like: hordes of other goddamn people mindlessly swarming everywhere. Hordes of people are scary! Stop having so many babies, dum-dums. They’re just going to end up being zombies.

Pennywise the clown – Perverts. Pennywise is the razor-toothed clown terrorizing the children – and later, their adult counterparts – in Stephen King’s It. I know what you’re thinking: “Duh. Pennywise is scary because clowns are scary.” Really – you’re scared of clowns? The guys that ride tiny bicycles and can’t figure out the difference between water and confetti? The folks with the crazy hair and an inability to correctly size their shoes? BULLSHIT. You’re scared of child molesters. Real clowns don’t try to lure you away with candy so they can do awful things to your body – child molesters do, and that is what makes Pennywise scary.

Chucky – Babies. It would be wrong to make a horror movie about just giving birth to a deformed baby, because it would be wrong to admit that people are terrified of that. So instead, here’s a movie about having a normal kid who gets a monster babydoll that just won’t leave! But make no mistake, Chucky is your baby, and he is the most nightmarish version imaginable – ugly, murderous, and sexual. The idea of a child’s toy totally deformed. Also, much like a real child, Chucky wants to take over his owner’s life and kill his soul. Child’s Play is the junction of scary baby/pregnancy movies (Rosemary’s Baby, It’s Alive, The Brood, etc.) and little monsters (Critters, Troll, Puppetmaster, etc.) all of which tap into fears about parenthood, childbirth, and – if you are a man – vaginas. Spooky vaginas!

The Grudge – Foreigners. This stringy-haired wet lady is hard to understand. She REALLY wants to talk – she even uses the phone a few times – but her speech sounds to us like “ching chong ching chong!” Oop, I mean it sounds like “ggguuuhuhgghghhh”. The vulnerability associated with being submerged in a foreign culture can be scary, but it’s hard to address without being racist. The girl from The Grudge acts and sounds totally opposite from the way normal humans do – she floats on ceilings and occasionally lives underwater! You can’t understand a thing she says! And you can probably guess which way her vagina goes. The original Japanese version had more to do with viruses and disease, which to a US audience clearly isn’t as scary as Japanese people.

Vampires – *Not scary*. Don’t lie. No one is scared of Vampires anymore. Vampires haven’t been scary since 1994. What was once a vicious blood sucking death bite is now the desperate kiss that can never be delivered, for either its strength or its curse will surely kill the victim/loved-one. Ann Rice cut the balls off of Vampires. They are now imaginary gay boyfriends for goth girls.

Leatherface – Guilt. On the one hand, it’s easy to find a reason to be scared of a retarded guy with a chainsaw. But there is an extra level of menace in Leatherface (or Michael Meyers, or Jason) because he is wearing a mask. These guys are executioners, punishing their victims for their sins. Even when they have no apparent sins, they probably at least listen to rock music or want to have sex. Close enough! The mask and the mental disability both cripple the ability to feel or communicate empathy. No matter what you do, Leatherface is not going to look sad, or happy, or anything – he’s not angry, he’s just going to kill you. And deep down, you know the real reason you can’t stop it is because you deserve it.

Everyone in Hellraiser – Sex/Herpes. This whole movie is about how sex will drive you crazy – either you’ll get so into it that you travel to an alternate dimension looking for even more painful sex, or you’ll get so addicted to one dude’s zombie dick that you’ll kill people just to put some skin back on it. More specifically, a lot of the monsters in Hellraiser look like personified stages of herpes. You’ve got an open sore in the attic, eating people for parts, and then there’s the angry genital blister running around trying to snatch a virgin. Sex is gruesome! P.S., Your parents are doing it.

The Thing – You are scared of messed-up scary-ass shit. Sometimes there doesn’t have to be a secret deeper level – this is just fucking scary.