There is no better social barometer in an office than the lunchroom. Outwardly, everyone looks pulled together and stuffed into contempo casuals and sensible pumps. But inwardly they are all seething with regret, confusion, and the type of passionate self-loathing that can only be expressed by a frozen veggie burger wrapped in dry lettuce. You can see it in their dead eyes as they line up for the microwave. Food lets us glimpse past that business casual facade, and into the beast within.
For example — the man who microwaves an ungodly mound of spaghetti. It looks like he cooked an entire package of spaghetti and then delicately formed it into a mountain on his plate, covering it’s peak with a single demure paper towel. He clearly has issues with power, self-control, and starches — I am pretty sure he is a date rapist.
Surprisingly, the lean cuisine women look happy. Jolly, even! (And a little fat.) It is the women who bring homemade diet food that look miserable. Brown rice and tobasco sauce is a cry for help — you may as well microwave a paper plate with “One summer my uncle took pictures of me naked” written on it. You deserve better, ladies. You deserve fruit, at least.
The sales douchebags use lunch to compare bodybuilder foods. There is something very emasculating about eating protein mush out of a tupperware container. Like steroids, it might help your muscles grow, but it shrinks your balls. Do not want.
And then there is the girl who just eats doritos out of the vending machine all day. That’s gotta be great for the skin. Couldn’t pull it together enough to bring OR buy a real lunch, huh? She’s probably too busy searching for cat videos on youtube and writing judgemental blog posts about strangers.
Also, look what I found!
Originally posted 7/29/08
Which side of the coin will it land on:
A) Try this on my cat when I get home.
B) Ritualistically remove a major organ for finding this video hilarious.
(Says the guy eating cool ranch doritos from the snack drawer, reading judgemental blog posts about strangers.)
- Kenny G.
I attempted this at my nameless-number-head job of mine, but sadly everybody here is impressively fat. So I couldn’t do an exact replica of your experiment. Instead I looked at all the fat people and saw what they were eating: It was a myriad of saturated fat and empty carbohydrates.
Needless to day, it wasn’t long before I joined them. After a few moments, we all seemed to hate ourselves.
CATS!
Don’t give up hope Eliza.
My favorite stupid cat trick requires a wait, but it’s worth it. First, you wait until your cat has found something new, mysterious, and (to him) possibly dangerous. Of course, being a cat, he must investigate. So he does. With caution, and with every muscle tensed to respond instantly, he carefully surveys this mysterious something-or-other, with every cat tendon taut with anticipation. This is when you can easily sneak up and goose him. Done correctly, and with enough nervous energy, a cat can go straight up 4 feet, resembling one of those suction-cup spring toys going off.
I’m not a cat person, but this cat stuff is pretty twisted.…
…wait until PETA finds out.
Sure, tape a cat and it’s funny, but throw tape over a kids mouth in the park and everyone’s on your case.
If anyone needs to erase the bad taste of that video try this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57hSqLLfOv4
Of course I will fire the Airzooka (google it) at the cats if they’re fighting.
What about the people who eat at their desks to spend their lunch break outside chain smoking irregardless of the weather?
This is the kind of stuff that will get you a book deal.
Anyone who uses the non word “irregardless”(yes, you Charlie) should have their computer taken away and never be allowed on the ‘net again.
In addition, anyone who says or types “I could care less” should be bludgeoned to death.
Thank Jesus someone else is just as irritated by “irregardless” and “I could care less”.
Poor kitty.
I realized I worked with racists when I was at a corporate job and folks made passive aggressive comments about the Afghani food I bought from the street cart. It’s chicken and rice with cucumber sauce! It’s delicious!
Also, this cat loves tape:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nv8TRbwyN3w
Thank you Foole and EmBe. My work goes on… but I have hope!
(I hope the taped cat scratched the hell out of everybody involved.)
I worked at a supermarket a while back, and every lunch I’d raid the clearance rack at the bakery, steal a disposable soup bowl from the deli, snag a pack of Top Ramen from Aisle 8 and score a banana (the poor man’s fruit), then I’d pay for it and then return to the break room to celebrate my bountiful harvest.
Hmmm.…I’m thinking of trying the tape thing on Stinky…I need something to get me out of my post election slump.….
so i did that tape thing to my roomates cat. she got REALLY upset about it.