Let’s be friends

Ah love. It make you so crazy! Right?? I’m not talking about the kind of new-love madness where you think his eyeball warts are sexy, or the hopeful-love delusion where you think he’s actually going to leave his wife. No, I am talking about the worst insanity of them all — the breakup crazy.

When you have been dumped, you lose your mind and will do dumb shit. This is just a rule of life. Accepting this truth is key in getting over any break up. All of your decisions will be terrible, so you should just let your friends run your life for a while. Usually I don’t like to tell my friends what to do, but if one has been dumped I feel it is my duty to hold her down, jam a wallet in her mouth, and tell her it’s a VERY BAD IDEA to move in with her ex to figure out “why he stopped loving me.” (I know, because I did it.)

So, as a non-insane, non-dumped person, let me once and for all call bullshit on the biggest bad idea in break-ups: “Let’s be friends.” The only reason that this concept has persisted is because break-ups are handled by crazy people. Trying to be friends with someone you have just broken up with is like going to the movies with someone who just mugged you. And buying their ticket. And then punching yourself in the face. It’s about self respect.

“But wait! Eliza!” You say, “We were such good friends to begin with! The whole reason I love him is because he is such a good person!” Bullshit. You were never friends! There was no point at which you weren’t trying to bone each other. That’s what that was. Those late night talks, the walks in the rain, all those chicken fights — all of it was warming up to the nasty. So when you say you want to “be friends” what you mean is that you want him to want to stick it in you. But the sad truth is, he doesn’t want to. Not even the tip.

When you perpetuate the “staying friends” myth, you engaging in a dance of manipulation and self degradation. You are giving yourself license to call him in the middle of the night — ’cause you’re still friends (yay!) — and you have to know that that phone call ends in crying. It just does. So does the one where you ask him about the new girl he’s dating. I mean, eventually you can be friends. In a while you can call each other up and build a nice new relationship based on friendship, not sadness. When it doesn’t hurt so much, when you don’t care, and when you’ve lost some of that relationship weight and look waaay better than he does.

For now, though, you don’t have to be cool with him — you don’t have to be cool with ANY of it. Give yourself a break and hate the motherfucker. Yeah! Call him a motherfucker! Get out of the house, even if you’re sad, especially if you’re sad. Keep moving forward and do lots of fun new stuff with your REAL friends — the ones that still want to dip it in you.

** Please note that gender specific pronouns can be switched and this is all still true. You are not friends with her. Stop it.**