Most people my age are married or at least divorced or diseased. I have no good reason for my marital non-status other than my terrible, terrible criteria for selecting a mate. Below, please find my actual reasons for dating the men I have dated:
- Good mustache.
- Always had cookies at his house.
- Lived in a foreign country; was black.
- Had metal plate in his hand.
- Owned a car and a fry daddy.
- Good at rhyming.
- Once gave me a bag of candy.
- No one else was asking.
Here are reasons I have refused to date other men:
- Weird laugh.
- Too nice.
- Favorite movie was “Cars”.
- Looked like a baby.
- Smelled faintly of hotdogs and vagina.
- Made a strange whining noise while kissing.
- Didn’t know there was a difference between X-Men and Uncanny X-Men.
- I am dead inside.
Photo by Anya Garrett
Originally posted 2/7/08
Okay, hot dog/vagina smell is a pretty good reason.
I guess you have a point… I suppose the real problem is that that one wasn’t just one guy.
Vagina and hotdog, two smell finally find each other.
Ugh! Ew.
smells, not smell. sorry. i’m bad at this.
One time I had to break up with a girl cos it felt like there was hair growing on her tongue. It was ninth grade and I gave her my reasoning in the school’s courtyard during lunch. Looking back, I probably could have handled it better. “You smell like dick and Velveeta” in an email would have been kinder.
Favorite movie was “Cats”
I really wouldn’t date a guy if this was true!!
“Made a strange whining noise while kissing.”
THIS!
THIS!
THIS!
THIS!
THIS!
THIS!
THIS!
THIS!
Mmm. Cookies and bags of candy. Those are good reasons.
At least he only smelled FAINTLY of weiners and hoo hoos…
I suppose you found “Cars” to be limited and redundant.
Seems like we have a lot of crappy things in common.…
any man who doesn’t know the difference between xmen and uncanny xmen deserves to be dumped.
I don’t know you, but those are so odd that don’t think you’re exaggerating. Funny as shit. You should do comedy or something.
“Didn’t know there was a difference between X-Men and Uncanny X-Men.”
You are the perfect woman.
Additionally, I wrote my college thesis on comic books. I think we should make this happen!
*whew*
I’m glad girls only worry about guys smelling like hot dogs and vagina, not hamburgers and assholes.
Now, back to looking (and smelling) goooood.
Don’t forget about Astonishing X-Men.
Yeah, you are the perfect woman!
I broke up with a girl because she didn’t laugh during “Rat Race” … not even when the cow hit the bus full of Lucys!
As a divorcee before I reached the age of majority, I can say with some certainty that it’s best not to be married and/or divorced by whatever your age happens to be, which I assume to be roughly mine.
Now, to convince you I am the perfect man, or at least dateable:
* Good mustache.
I can grow a bitchin’ mustache. I’m talking Selleck-level sexy here.
* Always had cookies at his house.
I keep a good supply of cookies and baked goods, mostly freshly made ones, to boot.
* Lived in a foreign country; was black.
I am willing to go Kirk Lazarus. I won’t leave this country, however, because I’m afraid of being stopped at the border. (Drug mule, see)
* Had metal plate in his hand.
My hand doesn’t have a metal plate. Point: other guy.
* Owned a car and a fry daddy.
I own both. One is broken, but still.
* Good at rhyming.
I’m not just good at rhyming, I’m good at corny rhyming.
* Once gave me a bag of candy.
As a single parent, I routinely carry large bags of candy to barter in exchange for quiet.
Favorite movie was Cars:
Go with your gut. next thing you know, you find Child porn on his iPhone. Or worse yet, you’re sleep is disturbed at 4am by the elite squad trying to get at the child porn on his iPhone
Hot Dogs and Vagina:
just ew.
Whining noise while kissing:
really? please tell me you laughed at him. to his face. I mean, *someone* has to do it.
“Didn’t know there was a difference between X-Men and Uncanny X-Men.“
Was that Joe Quesada?
BOOM, Alan. Boom.
Stumbled through here surfing. Nice Blog! The too nice thing kills me.… And yes, the Hot Dog/Vagina thing is a deal breaker.
Oh how I relate. ::crying::
We’re all single too. Some of my friends claim it’s because they’re nouveau and “not into marriage.” Me, I just had a traumatic childhood and resulting relational disorders.
Hilarious stuff on If I Were A Bro!!!