That kind of bitch.

There are small things that people do in public that are essentially an act of assholery to the rest of the world. Things like answering the phone in a movie theater, taking up a subway seat with a handbag, or putting more than 12 items on the belt in the express lane. They get away with it because they are in public, and most rational people decide it’s not worth the trouble of mentioning.

I am not that type of rational person. I get that life isn’t fair, but shit like that SHOULD be. So I am the type of bitch who flies into a rage over piddly injustices. Case in point:
I just went to the grocery store to buy lightbulbs, since all but 2 of the lights in my apartment have burned out and it’s getting dark. I had 2 packages of lighbulbs and a jar of salsa so I was well qualified for the 12-items-or-under express lane. The gentleman in front of me, however, had a basket overflowing with tons of yuppie food and Economy-sized Arizona Ice Tea. This asswad had so much food other people were gathering up their little piles of bread and jello and going to the regular lanes. This, was not fair.
I asked if this was the express lane or not, and one old man quietly said “Oh yes.” “Oh.” I muttered, “That guy has a lot more than 12 items.” The little old man smiled weakly and nodded his head. The yuppy — without turning around to face us — says “yeah, I do. But I also don’t have a welfare card and I don’t feel like waiting behind ‘these people.’”

Ok. On my own behalf, from this point on I think I showed a lot of restraint by NOT throwing my salsa at him. Because, I was feeling it. I could just imagine the Newman’s-All-Natural-Chunky-shaped dent in his head. I know, I know — I should have taken a breath and been patient. I mean, this guy could be in charge of hiring me one day. He might be my new next door neighbor. But then again, I also might get hit by a bus tomorrow so why not stand up for myself?
I said “Wow. Well I don’t have a welfare card either, so why are you holding me up?”

“Well most of the people in here do, sometimes I have to wait forever. It takes so long. I’m not doing it.”

Here’s where I went totally crazy. He had left a loaf of bread on the end of the belt, which I picked up and held out to him. “You left your bread. Do you need me to bring your bread to you? Don’t you want your bread?”

“Ye– No.”

“No? You want someone to put it back for you?”

“Yes”

“Ok. You need someone to do some more work for you? You are very special, I’m sure someone will put it back for you.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“No, dude. You are an asshole. You are the one who complained about people on Welfare.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yeah you did. Twice. Remember? They hold you up? Those people? That’s being an asshole.”

“Well, you’ll get what’s coming to you.”

I laughed here. If he had been bigger or crazier, or less of a pussy who thinks he’s too good to wait in line behind poor people, I might have been scared. But this dude? I can take.

“Wow, that is ironic. Same to you, dude.”

Then he scurried away home…right across the street from me. Which to me means we both got what’s coming to us.