As a professional comedian, I am frequently asked to “say something funny”. You know, like how architects are always asked to “draw something buildingy” at parties. Like how people are always saying “real quick – remove my moles!” to doctors at movie theaters? No? That doesn’t happen? Hm. Weird.
Last week – as I was being wheeled into surgery*, on a gurney, in a hospital gown with a goddamn IV in my arm – my doctor demanded I say something funny to the nurse. “Go ahead! She’s a comedian – she’s really funny. Do a joke.”
Because it is scary to be in a hospital with a bunch of strangers about to knock you out and poke around inside of you, I was not feeling “hilarious”. So I replied, “Oh, I don’t know. I’m kind of off the clock right now.”
You would think I had just said “Eat a dick, Whitey.” And I kind of wish I had.
“Uh! Whuh! Well, I met Sarah Silverman the other day, and SHE would have told a joke when I asked.”
“Sorry. I guess you should operate on Sarah Silverman then?” The nurse laughed. “And I just made your nurse laugh, so I guess I did say something funny.”
So what I am saying is that I probably have a fork sewn into my intestines now.
*Don’t worry about it. Same old broken gut, nothing too bad.